A Man’s Guide To Complimenting a Woman

  In order to meet women and begin and/or maintain a personal or business relationship as acquaintances, friends, girlfriends or wives, men must know how to properly compliment a woman. Failure to properly execute this important social skill may result in

 social disenfranchisement, boorishness or a slap in the face.

 I have over fifty years of experience in dealing with women and often prefer their company and friendship to that of other men. I have successfully courted several women and have been happily married to one for the last twenty-seven years. 90% of the decision-making customers of my business are women, so I have an excellent insight and experience as to their nature.

  Before you begin throwing compliments about, you must consider your motivation.  Believe me, she is going to consider it immediately. Are you standing in a line and just making conversation to be nice and kill time? Perhaps you’re “breaking the ice” in an attempt to get a telephone number for future contact. Maybe you know that your girlfriend or wife just needs and deserves a little ego boost.

  Another very important pre-launch consideration is “Have I been drinking?” If so, how much? Has the women you’re about to compliment been drinking and how much? The ramifications of the answers to these questions could fill another essay, but it will suffice to say that the influence of drugs and/or alcohol can completely alter the complimentary landscape, sometimes to the point of becoming unrecognizable.

  Let’s start with the most safe and easy compliment possible, recognizing how smart she is. Try something like “I really liked your English paper because you avoided the excessive use of personal pronouns.” You must give the reason why (avoiding excessive personal pronouns) in the compliment to show that you really paid attention to what she said. People like attention and it’s flattering. Failure to include the reason why will also set off  of her sincerity alarm.

  If you don’t have the luxury of a common event on which to base a compliment, there are other safe, although more superficial, areas to work. Here is an example:

  Last weekend, my wife and I and another couple were standing in line for movie tickets. I spotted a woman about my age wearing fantastic open-toed high-heeled shoes. Making sure she saw my wife and lowering her sincerity alarm level considerably, I approached and said, “I love your shoes.” Slightly taken aback, she smiled and said “Thank you.” Direct hit. She liked the compliment and I enjoyed giving it.

  Other relatively safe areas for compliments are fingernails and hairstyle. After you’ve practiced a bit, try to compliment a woman on the way she smells. This one gets a bit trickier because even if a woman has a scuffed shoe, a chipped nail or a hair out of place, she knows she still looks good. But she can’t smell even a little bit bad. While even sweaty women smell great to me, they don’t agree, so I never go there. With the smell compliment, stick to women who are going to know instantly that they do, in fact, smell great. It’s an unusual compliment and she will probably remember you.

  If you use disarmament techniques with sincerity and combine with intellectual and/or safe superficial compliments, you’re success is virtually guaranteed. However, there are some areas that require extreme discipline, practice and/or special circumstances to successfully navigate.

  If there were a way to compliment a woman on her breasts, as a duty-bound member of the guy club, I would be forced to reveal it. However, in over fifty years, I am flummoxed. It can’t be done. The closest you will ever get is an authorative “Wow! Great outfit!” as you look her in the eyes. I cannot overemphasize the importance of eye contact, this is your free pass through the sincerity gate and she has no ammunition. She knew how far that neckline plunged the minute she put on that dress, so you both got your messages across safely.

  Another minefield to avoid is the hip/butt/thigh area of a woman. After a relationship of several years, you may venture a gentle “Those jeans are very flattering.” However, you may be encouraging the dreaded “Does this make my ass look fat?” question to which there is no acceptable answer. If ever asked this question, grab your chest and gasp for breath, simulating a heart attack. This gratuitous sympathy grab is the only way known to override the fortified sincerity perimeter she activated before launching the question.

  Like the ability to tell a funny story or joke, the ability to successfully compliment a woman is a social skill acquired through practice. You will make mistakes but you will learn from them. Fortunately for us, women are a forgiving lot with a relatively short memories and big hearts.

Joe

P.S. Do you think the woman teacher will pass me?  

Tom:

My English teacher is very friendly, extremly professional and distractingly attractive in a Meg-Ryan kind of way.

Joe

Linda? Val? Where are you when I need you the most?

Joe

Joe,  I know you are looking in their eyes to see if they dialate after the compliment.  you say to you self  "ya, I still got it"

Another safe compliment would be(alaskan style)aside from  hey, nice Extra Tuffs

You are standing in line at the Gear shed where you get your moose hunting lics and tags.   There is a gal behind you in camo shorts,  you look at her and say you have very strong looking legs. 

Gee, thanks,  she replies.   You ask " have you ever thought of packin moose? 

Joe,  you know you have passed if on the day after you hand it in she is wearing something fetching an puts on a little smell good

I sent this paper as an email to some friends. One of my best friends from high school sent me this:

Joe, I've known several people over the years who have taught Eng
> comp at community colleges.  I've heard them talk about illiterate
> students, foot dragging re: assignments, and inane paper
> topics.  Your instructor has no doubt had similar experiences, and
> s/he must be wondering what on earth s/he did to deserve you.
>
> And you can take that any way you want ;-)
>
Is that hilarious?

Joe